Nightmare

So we saw Lisa Meeks, the lesbian and pro-lesbian lawyer, last Monday morning at 9:30 after Susan dropped the kids at school.  It felt normal and like about time.  I had forced us to do it because of two things:  First, last August when Dylan had sprung open her chin on Amanda and Jenn’s pool, the people at Children’s were so kind but immediately it was all about who was the “mom,” who was the guardian, and we were terrified.  Even though we were both there and it would be all right.  We were terrified.  We must have signed “responsibility’ signatures about six times over the course of the visit.  It was the biggest WHAT IF ever, what if I hadn’t been there, what if next time it was Rylie and Susan couldn’t be there.  We sort of had powers of attorney, but didn’t carry them…. It turned out on looking we never did one for Rylie at all.

In any case.  The one that put me over the edge was Karen, at Waldorf, asking for “proof” that Rylie lived in the house with me (who could show proof of residency) or Susan (who couldn’t at first because all the utilities were in my name).  This was in order to get the EdChoice scholarship from the state that makes it possible for our kids to go to Waldorf.   If Ry lived in the house then why was Susan listed as her Mom.  Etc etc.  All to say, we found the mortgage statement that Susan is on, and that was good enough.  Karen said it wasn’t prejudice there were so many people trying to game the system that they just had to follow their rules.  Karen didn’t know that second female parents couldn’t adopt in Ohio.  Didn’t know.  I walked out trying to contain my sudden fury and fear.

So we saw Lisa Meeks on Monday.  And at first it seemed so normal and then after about five minutes I got so choked up that I was close to tears the whole rest of the hour and 15 min we were there.  So fearful, so angry that some rules challenged our family and someone felt the right to.  So frustrating.  And that was before the very last thing, I showed her the contract Susan had signed as egg donor with the infertility clinic, and she ended up saying that according to Ohio law, if there’s a known egg donor then the child rightfully belongs to that parent, so that Dylan is Susan’s and not mine, despite my name on the birth certificate and my having given birth to her.  Lisa went so far as to say, “Some judges might decide to go back and change that birth certificate.”  I was beyond shell-shocked.

So last night I dreamed that my ex and I had broken up, and that I had to share the kids with her, fifty-fifty.  And something about it seemed fair, but something else about it seemed so unfair.  I’ve blocked a lot of the dream already, but on waking I thought it was about the Lisa Meeks thing, and having no rights to my own children and being so scared and angry about that.  I think the feeling, the screaming feeling in the dream, was about loss of the kids, and how awful that felt.  Nightmare.