Jon Stewart and Mike Huckabee on Gay Marriage

This is another straight white man, goddess love 'em sometimes, making our case, so clearly, and refusing to cede ground to "religion" or the fear of "redefining marriage." It's great--enjoy.

or try here:

http://www.queerty.com/watch-jon-stewart-goes-off-on-mike-huckabee-over-gay-marriage-20121113/ 

Why Heterosexuals Need Us to Never, Ever, Marry

 (photos from http://election2008.advocate.com/proposition_8/index.html)

So this week I found out that a queer mom can do it all, go to a supremely heterosexual parenting conference and an anti-Proposition 8 rally in Cincinnati. As a result of all that emotional and analytical chaos I figured out a crucial cultural fact: I know why heterosexuals need us to never, ever, marry.

Two places I've been this week that are so different they shouldn't be on the same planet: Last weekend I went to my first parenting conference, with William Sears, the Leave No Child Inside Guy, other good people I'm sure, and Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence. This parenting conference was 1,500 strong, and I found myself looking for anyone who looked like me, who could possibly be gay. I saw three (three!) women with short hair, and that was it. And I knew it was fantasy to even hope for gayness for two of those three. I found no mirror--saw some people who were probably hippy moms, quite a few baby-carrying moms, and some possibly poorer moms, but the percentage of blond moms and moms with floofy haircuts was distressingly high. I was at sea in a storm of people I should have been able to identify with, and actually did--why else was I there, spending babysitting money I didn't have--but I was also adrift.

Now Wiseman was fierce--articulate, compassionate, loaded with info, and she said: to keep other adolescent girls in line, the top two threats are to call them "uptight" (being easy is better) and "dyke." For guys it's worse: it's "gay" and "fag." I've heard versions of this before but sitting there in the audience with only protecting my daughters in mind, thinking as a parent rather than as a scholar of gender and sexuality, wrecked me. I was crying by the end, unable to leave because the session had been so packed it took ten minutes for everyone to disperse, sitting in the back ransacking my little pink conference freebee bag for some distraction from the pain.

Then I go to the Proposition 8 rally in Cincinnati, with my kids of course, and friends. It was good, well-attended despite the rain, Margaret Cho spoke and sang a dirty ditty she'd composed about the Mormon Church and where they could put certain objects. Saw lots of people I identified with, though only a few moms.

So this is my conclusion: Keith Olberman and others who say: Let gays get married, it has nothing to do with you (you heterosexual who voted yes on 8)--are wrong, dead wrong. Judith Butler is right: we are necessary for heterosexuals to create themselves, and their sense of themselves, we are their boundaries--we limit them, as Wiseman, in other language--affirmed. And the Yes on 8 people are right on this one point: we will mess with with the notion of marriage, of their marriage in particular, and we will, given enough rights, seriously upend with their notion of themselves as heterosexual and as gendered. That's immense.

What does 'heterosexual' mean if not the opposite of gay, right?

Heterosexual:
1. you can marry,
2. you are privileged--even if you don't acknowledge it--
3. you are normal,
4. you are right.
5. you are godly

Gays are--and must stay--:
1. unable to marry
2. not privileged (oppressed)
3. abnormal
4. wrong.
5. sinful

And powerful as that is, that isn't even the half of it, because gayness is also, at its core, about gender. And as we riff on Wiseman via feminist theory, "dyke" and "fag" are on some level about gayness but really it's about maintaining gendered (heterosexual) norms. In other words queerness serves to make "boys" be properly male and "girls" be properly female. So:

What does "masculine" mean if not the opposite of gay? to Wiseman's adolescents (and to too many of us):

man:
1. masculine (in clothes, haircut, style, toughness, lack of emotion, film book and music choices, etc etc, it inflects so much)
2. oriented toward women
3. smart
4. normal
5. athletic

Gay:
1. effeminate
2. oriented toward men
3. stupid "that's so gay"
4. abnormal
5. unathletic

Of course there is also the stereotype of gay men as hypermasculine (both in muscles and funnily enough in being oriented towards men) and the stereotype of dyke as "masculine" and a world of other race-, class-, age-, region-based nuance--but that gets subtle, and this is not about subtle
or about truth, but about our cultural marriage of convenience with binary opposition, about stereotypes and
generalizations that have real effects.

So, heterosexuals NEED us to keep their kids on the straight and narrow, to help their adolescents grow up to be "properly" gendered and with "proper" sexual orientation. If the Mormon Church and other conservative groups allow "marriage" to complicate the sharp binary oppositions they themselves use to form their own sense of self, then their sense of self is blurred, confused, less boundaried. And you know that Mitt Romney and them are uptight, need uptightness, need boundariedness.

And that's why marriage is so important. For us, too. It is a shorthand for how they define themselves in terms of gender and sexual orientation. OF COURSE WE ARE THREATENING! But we are also right.

Keith Olbermann Speaks Out On Prop 8

Somtimes Olbermann is over the top, but I really like what he says to straight people who voted for this. Justice is justice.

Courage Campaign: Fight against Proposition 8

Okay, I was ecstatic, still am, about Obama, along with the rest of the world.  Thought that night and even the next morning that Prop 8, which stops gay marriage--like ours--in California, was going to fail, as it should.  So mournful, melancholic, furious that it passed.  There's lots of different pro-queer organizations fighting against it.  But what does it mean that us lgbtq people, that it's okay to refuse one of the most basic of possible rights (at least in the West), the right to form a family with someone of your own choosing?  It means hets couldn't care less, don't grant us human dignity, we are just sex thrust in the face of their children to them....  I can't don't want to waste good energy finding the best way to articulate my rage and sorrow.  Next time...

On the kid front

Being a parent means checking out not only public toilets with a wary and vigilant eye, but your own.

kids kids kids

I'm not sure it's a queer mom free space WITH kids sometimes. Dylan and Rylie have just started going to preschool, 4 mornings a week, and that means mommy has been going too. After one miraculous day in the first week where they were fine without me, Rylie has insisted on my presence ever since. Today was the first day I left, with much sturm und drang, for -- get this -- 50 minutes. And she cried w/ Susan before we left, then cried with me, I almost lost it myself lots of times. But *after* I left, she cried for maybe 20 seconds, and then just stuck close to her teacher, Rachel, a little nervous but fine. That means, hopefully, starting next week, when I'll dare leave for more than an hour, more time to write, which is its own freedom.

WE GOT MARRIED! July 3, 2008

We got married! July 3, 2008, in West Hollywood, California. We were visiting my sister, the visit had been planned forever, but not the marriage, which Susan had to talk me into. This is what we said in our announcement:

Dear friends,

We, Susan and Yvonne, are proud to announce that we were married on July 3, 2008, in the West Hollywood section of Los Angeles.

We'd been planning the trip to visit Yvonne's sister Meret's family for months, but the idea of our marrying was of course only thinkable subsequent to the California Supreme Court's ruling in May. We were thrilled to be part of what was only the second week of gay marriage in California. The kindness, congratulations, and help we received from everyone moved us to the core, especially from Meret's whole family and our friend Annie Wetherbee and her family. We also were lucky to have the help of the officials in West Hollywood--the most pro-gay part of L.A.--who told us how special it was for them to be part of a "new dawn" in equality, and gave all the kids toys and then more toys and finally Wheat Thins as we waited our turn to be married in a civil ceremony. They also magically found a way to fit us in despite being booked out for over a month.

We desired the legality of marriage for many reasons, foremost for protection of our children and our family. In addition, we felt strongly about participating in our new-born right to have our culture and government acknowledge us as (an already established) couple and family—to be equal under the law.

However legal issues are only one aspect of marriage, which is also about the social: recognition, love, and support from family and friends. We decided to have the marriage this year, compliments of California, and that we would have a wedding too, in a year. For us they are part of the same festivity, the same ritual, and a sign of ongoing commitment rather than something brand new.

We have been committed to each other since we privately exchanged rings seven years ago. Three weeks ago we exchanged rings again. Dylan held one and gave it to Yvonne for Susan, while Rylie held on to the other and then gave it to Susan for Yvonne. If you look closely at the picture (below) of them on the bench, with their cousins, watching oh so intently as we exchanged vows, you can see the rings on their fingers.

We wanted to share the moment with you, both with this note, and with the photos below.
With joy and love,

Susan and Yvonne

This is mid-ceremony:  D and R are each holding the rings they will give us soon.

California Rocks!!! Celebrating Gay Marriage

When Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon first were gay activists in the 1950s, it was a whole different world than it was yesterday. Now they are helping create another whole different future for all of us. Equality, it has a nice sound to it, don't you think?

This image is from San Francisco Chronicle here.

Remembering Our Family's 15 Minutes of Fame

We are featured in a page 2 article in USA Today on domestic partner lawsuits from June 19, 2007:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2007-06-19-ohio-domestic_N.htm?csp=3

Resources: Pro-GLBT Books for Kids & How to Find More (I'll continue to update this list)

Or: representation, representation, representation, representation. I cannot overstate the importance of seeing ourselves represented, of our kids seeing themselves and their families represented. How else can we imagine our full possibilities, see new paradigms, dream of freedom, unless we can taste, touch, feel, experience it in fantasy first. We cannot fight for what we cannot envision.

Quote:"[I]t is only through the way in which we represent and imagine ourselves that we come to know how we are constituted and who we are. There is no escape from the politics of representation."—Stuart Hall

Quote: "The great service of literature is to show us who we are. Put more simply, we tend to behave, and think, as books show us how to behave and think. . . . Lesbians, historically bereft of cultural, political and moral context, have especially relied on imaginative literature to dream themselves into situations of cultural, political and moral power.” —Bertha Harris

Since the kids were small, Susan and I have changed up the gender and pronouns on so many books we read to our kids, because so many, still, have a male protagonist. So many. Susan I suspect because she thinks it's the best thing to do, me because of Irigaray, whose theory of how the feminine, the woman is always secondary in language/culture/discourse, merely the opposite of or not-as-good-as the man, is completely convincing. To let them imagine the female as *central* rather than necessarily, automatically secondary, adjunct, at least as long as they can manage it. More on the personal book reading experience another time.

BOOK WEBSITES, LISTS, RESOURCES:

Just started in Jan 2008: the American Library Association's GLBT Roundtable started a Rainbow Project, which lists the best glbt-friendly books for each age group. Looks great.

Family Equality Council has a list here of lgbt-friendly kids' books.

One of the most helpful websites (with descriptions of the books and critique)
that I found was Notes from the Windowsill / Rainbow Reading: gay and lesbian characters and themes in children's books. From what I can tell I trust the the perspective of the reviewer, it's a bit old though; 2006.

Twolives.com is a publishing house/distributer for lbgt family-friendly books. "We carry nearly every book in print for children in LGBT families, we are a lesbian-owned company active in the LGBT family community, and your support will enable us to keep publishing books for kids in LGBT families."

Also try http://www.leewind.org/, I haven't spent much time there yet but looks good for both young adult books with queer protagonists and has a listing for young adult books with glbt parents/caretakers.

BOOKS:

My own compilation (so far) of pro-gay, pro-lesbian, pro-queer books for kids, also books which promote diversity of all sorts:

BOOKS INCLUDING TWO MOMS OR TWO DADS:

These below are mostly for little kids, preschool and younger:

-Heather Has Two Mommies: 10th Anniversary Edition (Alyson Wonderland) by Leslea Newman,
-Emma and Meesha My Boy: A Two Mom Story by Kaitlyn Taylor Considine
-And Tango Makes Three (ALA Notable Children's Books. Younger Readers (Awards)) by Peter Parnell, Justin Richardson
-Anna Day and the O-Ring (Paperback) by Elaine Wickens
-Mom and Mum Are Getting Married! by Ken Setterington. Illustrated by Alice Priestley. Second Story, 2004
-King & King written and illustrated by Linda de Haan and Stern Nijland.
-The White Swan Express by Jean Davies Okimoto and Elaine M. Aoki
-One Dad, Two Dads, Brown Dad, Blue Dads by Johnny Valentine.
-Molly's Family by Nancy Garden. Illustrated by Hsaron Wooding
-ABC A Family Alphabet Book (Paperback) by Bobbie Combs,
-123 A Family Counting Book (Paperback) by Bobbie Combs,
-Is Your Family Like Mine (Paperback) by Lois Abramchik
-Mama Eat Ant, Yuck! by Barbara Lynn Edmonds
-Felicia's Favorite Story (Paperback) by Leslea Newman
-The Duke Who Outlawed Jelly Beans and Other Stories (Paperback) by Johnny Valentine (
-Asha's Mums (Paperback) by Rosamund Elwin

For older kids I can vouch for any book by J Jacqueline
Woodson, who is a friend of mine, a great writer, and a multiple
Coretta Scott King award winner. She writes about race and sometimes
about lgbt topics.

BOOKS for preschool or younger PROMOTING DIVERSITY/DIFFERENCE AND INCLUDING GAY PARENTS:

-The Family Book (Hardcover) by Todd Parr
-It's Okay To Be Different (Hardcover) by Todd Parr
-The Mommy Book (Hardcover) by Todd Parr

Homophobia: The Heartland vs. the Coasts. #1. The Wet Blanket

I am trying to see clearly the homophobia of the heartland, specifically Ohio where I live. This is attempt at clarity, at naming, #1. I have a Ph.D. in what is effectively lesbian studies/queer theory—from the History of Consciousness Program at the University of California Santa Cruz—so this should be easy for me, right? But it's not. Here's the first of what I've come up with so far:

#1. The Wet Blanket Effect

I invented this term to signify what it feels like to live in a place where everything gets tamped down, where everything is okay, where homophobia is minimized.

Definition: a type of systemic, cultural, yet intimately experienced formation where oppressed people, for example queers but it probably applies to others as well, cannot see their own lack of freedom or right to be equal, or even what equal looks like. They are happy just to "get along" and be the one—sort of accepted—gay or lesbian couple on the block.

Example: I taught at Miami University of Ohio for a bunch of years, and one year the highly regarded gay studies scholar John D'Emilio came, tasked to speak about his work but also to examine the state of g/l/b/t life at Miami, which was rumored to be in poor shape, had been found in a questionnaire to be in poor shape, and was in fact in poor shape. At the end of his time with us, we had lunch, perhaps 25 or 30 of the most pro-glbt faculty, students, and staff in a room with D'Emilio, and he told us, I've forgotten the exact words but in essence the point was this: "You ask for too little—reduced rates for your partners at the Rec Center. You cannot see what you are missing, what true equality even looks like--you don't even know to ask for it, you are grateful for what little you are given."

This to me is the wet blanket effect— when your whole community is so hell-bent on being exemplary, fine, and free that they don't, we don't, even realize that all of us are under a wet blanket, and can't see the freedom and sunlight shining above us, on the other side of the wet blanket. We can't even imagine it. It's th the biggest loss in a way. Because it is only by knowing our real situation that we can make change.

Quote: "You say there are no words to describe this time. You say it does not exist. But remember. Make an effort to remember. Or failing that, create." —Monique Wittig

Resources: Great organizations helping lgbt families (I'll continue to update this list)

Here's a few of my favorite organizations that work specifically for lgbt families:

Family Equality Council like the HRC of lgbt families, including links to great kids books, how to talk to teachers, how to create a rainbow families playgroup in your area, political news, etc etc.

LesbianFamily.Org : "find blogs from all kinds of lesbian families"

Mombian "Sustenance for Lesbian Moms"

Fierce and Maternal and Gay

Three things that ... go together

Talk about proud queer momming. This self-portrait of Catherine Opie, the celebrated photographer--and lesbian--nursing her son, has hung on my fridge for 10 months now.  It is in a public place, given our house's layout.  I put it there, and I can see it every day.

The thing is, no one has ever commented on it.  Almost no one.  One straight-girl bootcamp friend of my partner's commented, automatically it seemed, that the woman in the photo was fat.  I don't think this straight girl is a mom; she's skinny and blond and conventionally pretty, I noticed.  But we've had whole Rainbow Family gatherings at our pretty small house, many people in the kitchen, and no one has marveled at it.  We've had some of our best lesbian mom friends over, and no one has said a word.

Not one lesbian or lesbian mom has said to me, "That is an awesome picture of fierce, maternal, dykedom."  Not one. 

The only person who had something to say about it, just last week, was my friend Mikey Frank, who is about 10 years older than I am, and is heavyset, built not unlike Catherine Opie herself actually, and has nursed two babies, each for a long time.  Mikey loved it.  She said, "That looks like me—big breasts, big baby."   She's straight, but she was willing to own the image.  I love that.

It's a testament to lesbian motherhood in the heartland, this silence.  And it hurts.  But the photo itself is a testament as well, and here it is.  Enjoy.

This piece is entitled  "Self-Portrait / Nursing 2004." You can see a better copy and more of her work at: http://www.regenprojects.com/artists/catherine-opie/ (you will have to scroll a bit through the photos).

West Wing president takes on far-right homophobes

I have to say this video clip still makes me happy every time I see it.

or try this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhGk6eF65Fo 

Blogging for LGBT Families Day 2008 -1st blog

My first day writing on this new blog is in honor of June 2, 2008: Blogging for L/G/B/T Families Day, courtesy of Mombian. Thanks you all, for inciting me to do something I’ve wanted to do for a while.

My goal is both to write here from my own perspective, and to add the most relevant and significant writing and info I find on lesbian momming and related topics. Today I am pushing up against way-past-bedtime, so I’ll just add the following link to one of the most queer-friendly videos on mainstream t.v. It's from The West Wing. I know, it’s not about momming, and it's old, but I just found it, and it is clear that freedom from internalized homophobia is a bedrock of taking care of ourselves and taking good care of our kids.
—Yvonne