Why Does Legally Recognized Marriage Matter So Painfully Much?

Just called HealthCare.gov, trying to get a sane amount of health care at a sane price for our family.  Reached someone right away.

"Hi I'm just trying to fill out your form online and it offers a choice 'spouse' or 'domestic partner.'  Now Ohio doesn't recognize our marriage but my partner and I are legally married in California--which should I put down?"

"Well would you benefit from some state assistance, like Medicare?"

"No, no.  I'm just trying to fill out the form correctly, to get the insurance.  And I'm worried because on the Federal level we are filing as spouses, but for the first time, in 2014."

"Well we follow the federal law, so you should put her down as your wife."

"....okay..."

"Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"No.  Thanks," choked out, speaking fast, unable to stop my tears.

I hang up too quickly, just as she is finishing.  She is cheerful, probably white, young, chatty, a kind voice.  "Great.  Well if there's nothing else I can help you with, then have a great..." Day.

It is a great day.  But I am still crying and I don't know how to make you understand the power of the acknowledgement.  I've spent most of my life fiercely not caring about what others think of my sexual orientation and choice of partner.  Defensive, yes, but with reason.  I have the right, and the need, to defend.  To protect my family.  It's like crying after you've won the prize, after you've won.