We are getting out of the car I after picked up Dylan and Rylie at school. Dylan is telling a story. She said she invented schnozz kissing. Schnozz kissing is when a boy takes his schnozz and touches a girl’s face with it. “That’s a schnozz kiss, and I invented it Mommy,” she says.
Oh, I say, great. Then as I close the car door and we head for the stairs I say oh so casually, and what about two girls, can they schnozz-kiss too?
And she says, “Yes but one of them has to have short hair.” Which is as close to talking about butch/femme (or Susan’s short hair versus my long hair) as we’re ever likely to come for a good long while.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Ry's Class on Gay Moms
I was in Rylie’s classroom, visiting, because I had been taking photos for Dylan’s class photobook, and felt obliged to spend some time with Rylie as well. Two things happened that I wanted to mention:
First, everything is so peaceful in the room, Miss Cathy, sitting in the rocking chair, focused on the kids, some kids in a “house” right in front of her made of playstands, some kids fingerknitting, some kids playing on the margins, Miss Cathy clearly at the center, holding everything. Rylie is so happy to see me we are playing, she and Jack and Sayeeda are showing off their fingerknitting to me, Akmal too, Ry gives me two to put on my wrists right then. Then Jack says, happily, “Rylie, come on, I’ll race you in fingerknitting!” Even though Ry says no, my pleasure in the moment is not less: racing in fingerknitting???!!!
Second, I am sitting next to Rylie, my back to the half of the class at the other table, at snack. There is an argument going on behind me and I don’t catch it all, but I catch someone (a boy’s voice) saying “Yes two girls can too marry… Rylie’s moms are married.” And then a jumble and then another boy says, in our general direction, “ My two uncles are married.” Or something which implies a gay male partnership. I let it slide, I get to let it slide. Our presence here, my presence here, Ry’s presence here, is enough to change the dynamics.
First, everything is so peaceful in the room, Miss Cathy, sitting in the rocking chair, focused on the kids, some kids in a “house” right in front of her made of playstands, some kids fingerknitting, some kids playing on the margins, Miss Cathy clearly at the center, holding everything. Rylie is so happy to see me we are playing, she and Jack and Sayeeda are showing off their fingerknitting to me, Akmal too, Ry gives me two to put on my wrists right then. Then Jack says, happily, “Rylie, come on, I’ll race you in fingerknitting!” Even though Ry says no, my pleasure in the moment is not less: racing in fingerknitting???!!!
Second, I am sitting next to Rylie, my back to the half of the class at the other table, at snack. There is an argument going on behind me and I don’t catch it all, but I catch someone (a boy’s voice) saying “Yes two girls can too marry… Rylie’s moms are married.” And then a jumble and then another boy says, in our general direction, “ My two uncles are married.” Or something which implies a gay male partnership. I let it slide, I get to let it slide. Our presence here, my presence here, Ry’s presence here, is enough to change the dynamics.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Nightmare
So we saw Lisa Meeks, the lesbian and pro-lesbian lawyer, last Monday morning at 9:30 after Susan dropped the kids at school. It felt normal and like about time. I had forced us to do it because of two things: First, last August when Dylan had sprung open her chin on Amanda and Jenn’s pool, the people at Children’s were so kind but immediately it was all about who was the “mom,” who was the guardian, and we were terrified. Even though we were both there and it would be all right. We were terrified. We must have signed “responsibility’ signatures about six times over the course of the visit. It was the biggest WHAT IF ever, what if I hadn’t been there, what if next time it was Rylie and Susan couldn’t be there. We sort of had powers of attorney, but didn’t carry them…. It turned out on looking we never did one for Rylie at all.
In any case. The one that put me over the edge was Karen, at Waldorf, asking for “proof” that Rylie lived in the house with me (who could show proof of residency) or Susan (who couldn’t at first because all the utilities were in my name). This was in order to get the EdChoice scholarship from the state that makes it possible for our kids to go to Waldorf. If Ry lived in the house then why was Susan listed as her Mom. Etc etc. All to say, we found the mortgage statement that Susan is on, and that was good enough. Karen said it wasn’t prejudice there were so many people trying to game the system that they just had to follow their rules. Karen didn’t know that second female parents couldn’t adopt in Ohio. Didn’t know. I walked out trying to contain my sudden fury and fear.
So we saw Lisa Meeks on Monday. And at first it seemed so normal and then after about five minutes I got so choked up that I was close to tears the whole rest of the hour and 15 min we were there. So fearful, so angry that some rules challenged our family and someone felt the right to. So frustrating. And that was before the very last thing, I showed her the contract Susan had signed as egg donor with the infertility clinic, and she ended up saying that according to Ohio law, if there’s a known egg donor then the child rightfully belongs to that parent, so that Dylan is Susan’s and not mine, despite my name on the birth certificate and my having given birth to her. Lisa went so far as to say, “Some judges might decide to go back and change that birth certificate.” I was beyond shell-shocked.
So last night I dreamed that my ex and I had broken up, and that I had to share the kids with her, fifty-fifty. And something about it seemed fair, but something else about it seemed so unfair. I’ve blocked a lot of the dream already, but on waking I thought it was about the Lisa Meeks thing, and having no rights to my own children and being so scared and angry about that. I think the feeling, the screaming feeling in the dream, was about loss of the kids, and how awful that felt. Nightmare.
In any case. The one that put me over the edge was Karen, at Waldorf, asking for “proof” that Rylie lived in the house with me (who could show proof of residency) or Susan (who couldn’t at first because all the utilities were in my name). This was in order to get the EdChoice scholarship from the state that makes it possible for our kids to go to Waldorf. If Ry lived in the house then why was Susan listed as her Mom. Etc etc. All to say, we found the mortgage statement that Susan is on, and that was good enough. Karen said it wasn’t prejudice there were so many people trying to game the system that they just had to follow their rules. Karen didn’t know that second female parents couldn’t adopt in Ohio. Didn’t know. I walked out trying to contain my sudden fury and fear.
So we saw Lisa Meeks on Monday. And at first it seemed so normal and then after about five minutes I got so choked up that I was close to tears the whole rest of the hour and 15 min we were there. So fearful, so angry that some rules challenged our family and someone felt the right to. So frustrating. And that was before the very last thing, I showed her the contract Susan had signed as egg donor with the infertility clinic, and she ended up saying that according to Ohio law, if there’s a known egg donor then the child rightfully belongs to that parent, so that Dylan is Susan’s and not mine, despite my name on the birth certificate and my having given birth to her. Lisa went so far as to say, “Some judges might decide to go back and change that birth certificate.” I was beyond shell-shocked.
So last night I dreamed that my ex and I had broken up, and that I had to share the kids with her, fifty-fifty. And something about it seemed fair, but something else about it seemed so unfair. I’ve blocked a lot of the dream already, but on waking I thought it was about the Lisa Meeks thing, and having no rights to my own children and being so scared and angry about that. I think the feeling, the screaming feeling in the dream, was about loss of the kids, and how awful that felt. Nightmare.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Monday, December 20, 2010
Dylan's Class on Gay Moms
Dear friends/family,
I wanted to share a story that Ms Colleen, Dylan's kindergarten teacher, told me on Friday, their last day of school, at the very end of the day when the kids had run off to play in the snow and she had me alone for a minute.
Now I love Ms Colleen, and Dylan does too. She is kindly, older, short and a bit plump, quiet but heart of love, full of integrity, a wide, pale face with softly red-dyed hair, Irish complexion and heritage. When I do drop-off or pick-up at the playground every day, she is usually too busy managing kids to talk. You can tell she knows her profession inside and out and loves her charges.
Colleen says that she'd wanted to tell me a story that had happened earlier that same week, Wednesday or Thursday. She is always telling her assistant teacher, she says, to let the kids work it out, to give them a chance, let them talk it through. So one kid, Aidan (the most-likely-to-get-in-trouble tough boy who loves football and war games, sensitive but often overly energetic) tells Piper (a girl), that he wants to marry her. Colleen says that that's old news, he's said that to her and about her again and again, he's had a crush for a long time. So Piper says "No, I don't want to marry you, I want to marry a reindeer."
And some kids say, "You can't marry a reindeer, it has to be a person."
And Piper says, "Well okay, I'll marry Camilla," who is one of her best friends (and female).
Then Aidan says, "You can't marry another girl, you have to marry a boy." And then Colleen says that all the kids in the class turned as one and said that that wasn't true, that she could marry a girl, that look: Dylan had two moms.
Calvin, shaggily blond and blue-eyed, perky as ever, adds, "Yes it's true; I've been to their house on a playdate and I've seen them."
And Nico, who Colleen says has been reading for two years now (rare especially at Waldorf), adds, "And it's been legal in some states for a while." I doubt Dylan or any of the other kids understood quite what that meant, but it was lovely for me to hear.
Colleen was obviously so proud that they came, as a group, to that conclusion, and that Dylan herself wasn't put on the spot. It was a good story for me to hear on the last day of school.
XOXO,
Yvonne
I wanted to share a story that Ms Colleen, Dylan's kindergarten teacher, told me on Friday, their last day of school, at the very end of the day when the kids had run off to play in the snow and she had me alone for a minute.
Now I love Ms Colleen, and Dylan does too. She is kindly, older, short and a bit plump, quiet but heart of love, full of integrity, a wide, pale face with softly red-dyed hair, Irish complexion and heritage. When I do drop-off or pick-up at the playground every day, she is usually too busy managing kids to talk. You can tell she knows her profession inside and out and loves her charges.
Colleen says that she'd wanted to tell me a story that had happened earlier that same week, Wednesday or Thursday. She is always telling her assistant teacher, she says, to let the kids work it out, to give them a chance, let them talk it through. So one kid, Aidan (the most-likely-to-get-in-trouble tough boy who loves football and war games, sensitive but often overly energetic) tells Piper (a girl), that he wants to marry her. Colleen says that that's old news, he's said that to her and about her again and again, he's had a crush for a long time. So Piper says "No, I don't want to marry you, I want to marry a reindeer."
And some kids say, "You can't marry a reindeer, it has to be a person."
And Piper says, "Well okay, I'll marry Camilla," who is one of her best friends (and female).
Then Aidan says, "You can't marry another girl, you have to marry a boy." And then Colleen says that all the kids in the class turned as one and said that that wasn't true, that she could marry a girl, that look: Dylan had two moms.
Calvin, shaggily blond and blue-eyed, perky as ever, adds, "Yes it's true; I've been to their house on a playdate and I've seen them."
And Nico, who Colleen says has been reading for two years now (rare especially at Waldorf), adds, "And it's been legal in some states for a while." I doubt Dylan or any of the other kids understood quite what that meant, but it was lovely for me to hear.
Colleen was obviously so proud that they came, as a group, to that conclusion, and that Dylan herself wasn't put on the spot. It was a good story for me to hear on the last day of school.
XOXO,
Yvonne
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Ry on Gods and Goddesses
It was September 12, 2010. Dylan, Rylie and I are sitting around having a slow lunch after school. We are chatting chatting it’s toward the end of the meal, and Ry says (something like): “I want ketchup on my head” (being silly)…then she looks at me and says, “I am asking the gods (hesitation) and goddesses… and (in a slightly higher squeal) Mr Nobody!” Then laughing… “Mr. Nobody please give me ketchup on my head… Mr. Nobody will give me ketchup on my head!”
I am amused, both by “goddesses” (which is because of me) and by the parallel between gods and goddesses and Mr Nobody, who is a creature they learned about from the kids at school, who say he is always the one who breaks things, or doesn’t put things away, or otherwise does things wrong.
I am amused, both by “goddesses” (which is because of me) and by the parallel between gods and goddesses and Mr Nobody, who is a creature they learned about from the kids at school, who say he is always the one who breaks things, or doesn’t put things away, or otherwise does things wrong.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Ry Asks, "Are We Gay?"
Ry, Dylan and I are sitting around leisurely at lunch, having a ‘do-nothing’ day after four hectic days with Rachel and her family, here. Ry asks, casually, apropos of nothing, “Are we gay?”
I say, “Well, Mama and I are gay. You and Dylan, you won’t know until you are adult. When you are almost adult or adult, and find someone you want to be a partner, then you will find out if that person is a man or a woman.”
Dylan interjects, proud of her knowledge, “If a man and a woman are partners, then they are not gay. If you and—if a woman and a woman are partners, then they are gay. And [seeming delighted by her command of this arcane detail] if a man and a man are partners, then they are gay too.” She looks at me for affirmation, and I nod.
Ry says, thoughtfully, “I think that when I am adult I will want a woman for a partner.” Dylan is silent on this score.
Ry adds, “And when I am adult I will want to be partners with you and Mama!”
I laugh. “That would be great!”
Dylan says, “And me too, I want to be partners with you too!”
Ry says, “And then we will be a family!”
I say, “But we are already a family, right now.”
Discussion turns to how they will live with us when they are adult. I say “That’s great. But the one good thing about having a partner is that you get to have a new family. If I’d stayed living with Opa and Oma while I was adult I wouldn’t have you guys” Not sure if they feel that or not. “And I love my family I love Mama and Rylie and Dylan.”
Ry leans into me, face upturned, having already moved her chair, normally around the corner of the table from me, over to my more narrow side of the table, so we are sitting on the narrow side of a rectangular table, all three right next to each other, Dylan, then Mommy, then Ry.
I say, “Well, Mama and I are gay. You and Dylan, you won’t know until you are adult. When you are almost adult or adult, and find someone you want to be a partner, then you will find out if that person is a man or a woman.”
Dylan interjects, proud of her knowledge, “If a man and a woman are partners, then they are not gay. If you and—if a woman and a woman are partners, then they are gay. And [seeming delighted by her command of this arcane detail] if a man and a man are partners, then they are gay too.” She looks at me for affirmation, and I nod.
Ry says, thoughtfully, “I think that when I am adult I will want a woman for a partner.” Dylan is silent on this score.
Ry adds, “And when I am adult I will want to be partners with you and Mama!”
I laugh. “That would be great!”
Dylan says, “And me too, I want to be partners with you too!”
Ry says, “And then we will be a family!”
I say, “But we are already a family, right now.”
Discussion turns to how they will live with us when they are adult. I say “That’s great. But the one good thing about having a partner is that you get to have a new family. If I’d stayed living with Opa and Oma while I was adult I wouldn’t have you guys” Not sure if they feel that or not. “And I love my family I love Mama and Rylie and Dylan.”
Ry leans into me, face upturned, having already moved her chair, normally around the corner of the table from me, over to my more narrow side of the table, so we are sitting on the narrow side of a rectangular table, all three right next to each other, Dylan, then Mommy, then Ry.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Ry's Warning
We are all sitting at dinner, eating our sushi that Mama has just brought home, it’s Friday night.
Ry says, “I have a warning for you guys” and then repeats it: “I want to warn you guys” very serious.
Then she says, knowingly: “Watch out because that sushi might be especially good, you know why? Because I carried it up the stairs and so it was made with love.”
Ry says, “I have a warning for you guys” and then repeats it: “I want to warn you guys” very serious.
Then she says, knowingly: “Watch out because that sushi might be especially good, you know why? Because I carried it up the stairs and so it was made with love.”
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Kid Conversations
Today I came into the dining room, working on snack, Dylan and Rylie were sitting at the table, opposite each other with room for me between them, and Rylie turns to me and says (all adult), “We were talking about big kids, and moms, and trying to figure out if big kids were more crazy or moms."
“Oh yah? And what did you figure out?”
Rylie looks at Dylan for confirmation: “Moms are more crazy.”
“What does that mean crazy?”
“Moms run around all the time, “ says Rylie. “They" (she makes a motion of moving her hand up and down like walking fast) "are in a hurry, and it makes sense, because moms do everything.”
“Oh yah? And what did you figure out?”
Rylie looks at Dylan for confirmation: “Moms are more crazy.”
“What does that mean crazy?”
“Moms run around all the time, “ says Rylie. “They" (she makes a motion of moving her hand up and down like walking fast) "are in a hurry, and it makes sense, because moms do everything.”
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